A Charmed Life

Quit Snickering

So I found this old meme over at Reenie's Reach and thought you all might get a kick out of it. It's a variation on a theme that combines different parts of your name or family names to come up with your Star Wars persona or your superhero name.  Some of them didn't work so great for me- for instance, my "gangsta name", a combination of my favorite ice cream and preferred cookie, would end up being "Mocha chip Oreo".  How would I throw up a gang sign for that, anyway?  Pantomime dunking a cookie in a glass of milk?  I suppose it does sound slightly tougher than "Strawberry Shortcake". 

Or how about my "detective name", which is supposed to be my favorite color followed by my favorite animal.  Would you hire "The Green Raccoon" to dig up the dirt you needed?  Actually, come to think of it, that does sort of work.

But my favorite by far was my spot-on stripper name, brought to you by my favorite perfume and my favorite candy bar.  May I present to you...Ms. Vanilla Mounds. Hey, quit Snickering!

You Can Leave Your Hat On

My husband is probably one of the least materialistic people I know.   Which is why I was so surprised to find how attached he is to his hat.  It's not an expensive hat, just a regular Outback-style model that we picked up at REI one day, but to see how much he likes it, you'd swear the thing had superpowers. Think Frosty the Snowman and "Happy...Birthday!". When Seph was a baby and would grab it while we were out at the store to play "peek-a-boo" with it, he'd take it away before she could drool on it.   You get the idea.  He rarely ever leaves the house without it. Hey, I'm not knocking it- I will probably get skin cancer long before he does because I refuse to put anything on my head.  (Oh wait, I have hair..)  I only have one problem with that hat.

He hangs it on my knee.  He drives, I ride shotgun, and before the key hits the ignition I am a human coat hook.  It's not so bad, really-  unless I'm wearing shorts or a skirt.  But since he gets twitchy if the hat falls to the floorboards and gets crumpled, and my knee was obviously put there to prevent that from happening, I like to tease him about it.  This past weekend, as he festooned my femur with said fedora (I'm sorry, it's late and I have weakened resistance to alliteration), I asked him, "What would you do if my knee weren't there?", to which he promptly replied, "then I could put it on the seat!".  Not to be outdone, I retorted, "Well, what if I didn't have a knee??".  "Then I would hang it on the stump of your leg."

Ladies, this is what happens when you marry an engineer from Iowa.  Don't say I didn't warn you ;)

The World, It Is Coming To An End

No, really, it must be.  I went swimsuit-shopping today and did what I swore I'd never do... tried on my very first bikini, just for S's and G's.  I figure, I'm thirty-five and extremely nearsighted, it'll soften the blow, right?  Plus I needed a good chuckle and a healthy dose of humility.  Except that...it fit.  Whoah.  As in, Keanu Reeves in probably every movie he's ever been in, whoah.  I didn't buy it, because I was so blinded by the fluorescent lights shining on my pasty thighs that I couldn't find my wallet.  But I just might go back and get it one of these days.  I'm going to go see my Dad in Florida in May, and everyone else on that beach will have 40 years on me so I won't have to worry about any competition!  Plus, if the world really is coming to an end, this summer will be my last chance!

At least now I know why the polar caps are melting...it's because Hell is freezing over instead.  If I get any hate mail from Al Gore, I'll let you know.

Tag Party

The lovely Amalah decided not to play favorites and tagged The Internets for the latest meme du jour, Six Weird Things About Me.  If you've never read her blog before, you're missing out!  Go for the funny mothering adventures, stay for the adorable baby pictures. 

I only get to pick six, huh?  Ok, here goes...

1) I am extremely shy about having my picture taken.  There is always a pet or a baby in the shot as a "prop" for me to hide behind.

2) I love stand-up comedy, funny movies, Looney Tunes and the comics page, and I think lots of stuff is hilarious, but I very rarely laugh.

3) It is a rare person or joke that can make me laugh, but once I start, I'm usually on the floor giggling.  One time that happened, it was the first I'd ever heard the old joke about where an 800-lb. gorilla sits.  Hey, it was new to me.

4) I have a bit of a sixth sense.  Sometimes more than a bit.  Ask my friends, nobody will bet against me anymore.  According to my aunt, it runs in the family.  Even more  than the noses ;)

5) I  immediately turn into a puddle when I get a foot rub.  That was really a nuisance when I was studying massage therapy.  I don't let anyone near my feet who's not a romantic partner!  Conversely, I detest having my belly button touched by anyone, not even myself. It even felt weird when I was pregnant and Seph would pull the "room service [umbilical] cord" from the inside.

6) I've never gotten over being "The Ugly Duckling". (My dad seriously used to read that to me all the time when I was little, and later on bought me "Cyrano de Bergerac".  In English and in French.  What was up with that?)  If I could magically become either way smarter or way prettier, I hate to admit it, but I'd go for the looks.  I figure, I'm plenty smart, and if I were that much smarter, I'd think of depressing things like Stephen Hawking saying that the human race is going to die if we can't find another planet pretty soon with warmth, oxygen and Internet access.  Whereas, being instantly transformed into a babe would allow me to go out and take advantage of global warming by purchasing a string bikini.

Oh, well.  If I were wearing a string bikini somebody would just try to mess with my belly button, anyway ;)

Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut...

I lifted this verbatim from an email that came from the local Freecycle in town:

WANTED: Any books on the following topics: Self help, psychiatric,
psychology, mental illness, bipolar, ADHD, schizophrenia, depression,
anxiety, Obsessive-compulsive disorder, personality disorders, eating
disorders, spiritual healing, recovery, alcoholism, drug addiction,
AA, 12-Step, co-dependency, stress, meditation, post-traumatic stress
disorder, etc.

They're not kidding when they say the holidays are a stressful time of year! 

Throw Momma From The Train

Oh, man, I am just wiping the tears from my eyes laughing so hard.  If you are a mom, know a mom, or have a mom, you need to run, not walk, over to The Naked Ovary and check out all the "bad momma" stories in the comment section.  Other animals only eat their young...

I'm no exception.  Today I bonked the top of Sephie's little blonde head into the trunk of our Toyota.  But that's peanuts next to my real "bad momma" moment.  She was about 9 months old, and her pediatrician had given us a small bottle of baby Advil so that we could dose her before she got her immunizations.  I must have put it on the small entryway table when we returned home.  No problem, right?  Seph wasn't walking yet.  Except that she was pulling herself up.  In the time it took me to walk down our hallway to her room and back, she'd gotten hold of the bottle, broken it open on the tile floor, and put an Advil-filled glass shard in her mouth. Honestly, could they not have made that bottle out of plastic?  She was fine, thank goodness, but I seem to have this twitch under my left eye...

Oh wait, that wasn't my worst bad momma moment.  That came when Seph was four months old, in my mom's hospital room, about a week before she died.  I'd carried her into the room in her infant car seat and set her on the bed.  My mom was in a chair in the corner of the room, facing out, and I took the chair opposite her.  I held Sephie out for my mom to kiss her and then put her back in the seat.  I was going to set the car seat on the floor by me, but decided that it would be good for my mom to see her while we were talking, so I left it on the bed right behind me. 

Except that Sephie has always had very advanced motor skills for her age and chose that moment to display them. She wiggled out of the seat...my mother was facing her but could do nothing but sputter my name, and I had my back turned.  Shall I mention that my mom was on high blood pressure medication, and I probably wasn't helping matters?  I turned around just in time to see my tiny baby land splat! on the hard linoleum floor, facedown.  Lucky for me, the bed had been lowered and she didn't fall very far.  I sobbed and said, "Dave's going to divorce me when I tell him what happened!!"  My formerly worrywart, high-strung mother's reaction was hilarious, however.   She was drugged to the gills on Xanax and Atavan and slurred, "what...you think nothin' ever happens to her on his watch??  Iss OK...only gramma saw..." 

I guess it's only fitting that she didn't hold my negligence against me.  When I was 15, she tried to drive off without me getting all the way into the car first.  She was picking me up from fencing practice and punched it while I had only my left foot in the passenger's side.  My brothers were in the back seat so I have witnesses to me yelping, "Mom, mom!!" as I hopped as fast as I could on the other foot.  I forgave her for that, just as I've forgiven her for smuggling Sicilian blood oranges underneath three month-old me in my infant seat on the flight back from Rome and making me cry because I was sleeping on lumpy produce.

It's a wonder any of us made it into adulthood.  I'm not sure I'm going to survive Sephie's toddlerhood!  Somebody pass me the baby Advil...

Procrastination Creation

I found this meme over at Wolf Angel's and since I'm procrastinating at the computer instead of folding the laundry or resuscitating my herb garden, I thought I'd do it, too.  Warning, it's LONG.

Procrastination Meme

Explain what ended your last relationship?  "Irrenconcilable differences".  Actually, not enough sex.  Really!  But oh, I'll be politically correct and add that he didn't want kids and I did.

When was the last time you shaved?  Yesterday, in the shower.  Leg stubble is icky!

What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.?  Dreaming about something that I can't remember now that I'm trying to write it down. 

What were you doing 15 minutes ago?  Eating a stick of celery instead of a fun-size Snickers bar.

Are you any good at math?  Hell, no.  I still think calculus is something the dentist has to scrape off your teeth.

Your prom night, what do you remember about it?  That I sat home alone while one of my best friends went with the boy I liked!  (To her credit, she didn't know I liked him, and they went as friends.  But, still!)

Do you have any famous ancestors?  Yes, actually!  He was a minor emperor in Constantinople and I even have a coin with his likeness on it.

Have you had to take a loan out for school?  Only from Guido and Vinnie...why, are they lookin' for me?  You never saw me...

Last thing received in the mail?  The San Diego ZooNooz magazine and calendar.  I have a yearly pass...anyone wanna go with?

How many different beverages have you had today?  Three:  my morning coffee, Crystal Light pink lemonade and diet Pepsi.

Do you ever leave messages on people’s answering machine?   Yes, usually beginning with, "hello??  anybody home???"

Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to?  Sting

Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?  No, the Big Guy Upstairs already knows my name. I usually draw sappy little hearts with seashells or rocks, though.

What’s the most painful dental procedure you’ve had?  A root canal where the dentist (filling in for my usual one) missed one of the canals and had to get at it the next day.  He stuck the Novocaine needle directly into the nerve and I screamed so loud the 8 year-old in the waiting room almost passed out.  (The a**hole dentist wrote it in my chart, too!)  My (natural) childbirth pain didn't even come close to that.  :::shudder:::

What is out your back door?   My backyard, of course!

Any plans for Friday night?  I'm married with a toddler, so unless you want to come babysit, not really!

Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?  Oddly enough, yes, my hair looks better after a dunk in saltwater.  Nice glossy ringlets, no frizz.  If I lived at the beach every day would be a good hair day!

Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns?   No, but go ahead and send me one!

Have you ever been to a planetarium?  Yes, in NYC, as a kid.  I remember my dad actually brought the New York Times in with him (how did he think he was going to read it?  by starlight?),and then fell asleep and embarassed us all by snoring.

Do you re-use towels after you shower?  Re-use them for what?  Just kidding...yes, I hate to waste water.

Some things you are excited about?  Traveling, having company over and Christmas.

What is your favorite flavor of JELL-O?  Black cherry.

Describe your keychain(s)?  Two heart-shaped carabiners that connect, one with my car keys, and the other with my house keys.

Where do you keep your change?  In a large glass bowl.

When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?  About six months ago when I hosted a friend's baby shower.

What kind of winter coat do you own?  Winter?  In San Diego??  Bwahahahaha.  I do have a camel-colored long suede jacket that I love.  Because, you know, it doesn't rain much here, either.  Neener neener boo-boo, as my niece would say.

What was the weather like on your graduation day?  Sunny and hot and humid. 

Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed?  Closed, because Dave can't sleep with the cats.  Also, so the boogeyman can't get in as easily.

Oh well, time to get back to work!! 

Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary

I can't even wait for Wednesday, this is so weird.  I'm sure you've heard of the pile of chocolate drippings at Bodega Chocolates in Fountain Valley, CA that looks like the Virgin Mary  .  Or the Maltese Falcon, depending on who you ask.  Anyway, seems like the employees at the chocolate shop spent the day praying and placing rose petals and candles around the Catholic confection.  CANDLES.  Uhh, I'm not going to pretend to be an expert on miraculous sightings or try to comment on someone else's faith.  Hey, I'm only a mortal, and for all I know, it really could be the blessed Mother of God.  But you would think that someone who could tell the Virgin Mary from a virgin daquiri would have the marbles not to place an open flame next to a lump of chocolate.  Save the heat for that famous grilled-cheese sandwich. 

A Bird in the Hand...

I've always had stand-up comedy as my secret aspiration, and when I saw the meme over at Julia's  I just had to post one of my weird "can't make this stuff up" stories.  I'm not sure I could tell this one in stand-up form, but I think it's pretty funny nonetheless.

Years ago, while married to my ex, I had a cockatoo named Opus.  He was totally devoted and affectionate, sometimes to the extreme...he would go into a "mating dance" when he saw me.  He'd climb to the top of my head, fluff out his crest, extend his wings, and bow up and down, knocking on my head with his beak.  (Male cockatoos apparently knock on tree branches while in the mood for love.)  Yes, this is the same cockatoo who would then get stuck in my ultra-curly hair and squawk for help while flapping madly. 

Being a fickle bird (men!), he decided to fall in love with somebirdy else...a much smaller little blue parrot named Bert.  He'd break out of his cage to walk across the house to Bert's much smaller cage, and hunch inside with Bert snuggled under his much larger wing.  Well, you're not supposed to let small and large birds mix for fear of the smaller one getting injured.  Since Opus had no problem letting himself out of his cage, I took some bike chain and a padlock and locked him in whenever he wasn't on his bird tree or with me.  Problem solved, right?

Opus was not amused.  I went up to his cage one day to find that he'd...vanished.  Closer examination revealed a cockatoo-sized hole in the window screen.  He'd dismantled his cage from the inside by removing the bolts, lifted the playtop off, and escaped.  After hours of calling his name, I heard a familiar kissing noise from outside.  It was Opus, up in a pine tree, happily preening the needles.  Oh, and he was on Bert's side of the house.  I tried to reach them, but he was a little bit too high up, and he taunted me by nipping at the tips of my fingers when I tried to grab his foot and pull him down.  Plus, my dogs were baying at him and I knew if he were perched on my arm he'd spook and take off again (We were a little behind on his wing-clipping).  I cast about for something to throw over him...nothing.  Well, I was living in a semi-rural area at the time, at the bottom of a canyon...there didn't seem to be anyone around...so I whipped my shirt off, tsosed it on top of Opus, and wrapped him up like a little birdy burrito to take him back inside.  That's when I heard them...two workers, at the top of the other side of the canyon, gawping at my DD's in my lilac Victoria Secret's bra.  I didn't stop to listen to their review of my impromptu striptease... but I think I heard them knocking on some tree branches.