A Charmed Life

Work Shall Make You Flee

I already know what my dream job would be.  I"m sure the ladies in the audience (and maybe the metrosexual gentlemen as well) have heard of the OPI brand of nail lacquer?  I want the job of the person who comes up with the cool names of those polish colors.  I think there was even a contest once to name some new ones.  As a SAHM of a demanding toddler (yes, that phrase is redundant), I'd like to nominate "Indentured Servant Indigo".  Hey, the color would coordinate perfectly with the bruises I get chasing her around (and the occasional chomp from her budding canines!)

I think I could also get a job taking the place of whoever comes up with some of the ideas in the J. Crew catalog.  I'd love to see the genius who came up with the idea of offering an embroidery option on their shorts.  Where can you have the embroidery placed, you ask?  Fetchingly perched on a pocket, perhaps, or maybe around the waistband or hem?  Nope, the customization (a starfish, btw) is phrased as "Large Inseam Critter".  Eww.  I thought their models looked pretty fresh-scrubbed and wholesome, but if they've got crustaceans crawling around their crotches, I guess appearances are deceiving.

It's important to try and find a job that you like. Unless, of course, the rest of your life is miserable and you want to make it look better by comparison.  (Take it from me, try retail sales!)  When you hate your job, the time just crawls.  Usually, though, the merchandise doesn't.  This week's "Why You Buggin'?" award goes to Rachel, whose bemused textbook-pawning customer didn't seem to understand that Rover-sized roaches don't exactly increase a used book's resale value.

Sometimes not getting the career you want can cause you to go off the deep-end, and even delve into a world of make-believe.  Suebob's Tang-toting moviegoer was obviously a frustrated NASA washout.  For putting up with that pain-in-the-butt, Suebob wins this week's "Men Are From Mars, Crazy People Are From Uranus" award.  Her boss, who was brave and/or foolish enough to taste an unknown powdered substance from a strange person's purse (didn't his mommy ever teach him anything??), gets the "I Can't Believe It's Not Anthrax" award.

Beth gets props for her sensitivity and sympathy toward the young Ms. Charmed, who was too busy trying not to retch onto the Bowl Of Disembodied Female Parts to realize that perhaps Dr. Disgusting was being a wee bit inappropriate?  Good call...the same doctor was called onto the carpet several times for his inappropriate behavior towards the female staff.  I guess I never complained because he really did look like Wilford Brimley.  Never caught him dissecting any alien cocoons, though.

Lastly, my very favorite "Peepul Are Stoopid" award goes to my awesome brother Bob, whose customer couldn't distinguish between "paralegal" and "paraplegic".  For the record, Bob is even funnier than I am, and should really be the family member with the blog.  However, for some odd reason he's decided to start a law practice and take money from Stoopid Peepul Who Are Criminuls instead.  I can't wait to hear the strange stories from that.

Thanks to everyone for playing!  See you next week!

It's Got Legs, And It Knows How To Use Them

:::shudder::: I"m almost glad I didn't get more entries this week for the "Creature Feature" contest, because the ones that I did squicked me out plenty!  Also, I think the little buggers are learning how to read, because I seem to have a spider bite on my left shoulder!  I'm guessing that a bunch of Jerusalem beetles and NYC cockroaches pitched in to hire the arachnid assassin.  I'm sure a can of Raid will look quite fetching on my nightstand.

Quality beats quantity any day, and I have to say that these two entries would have gotten prizes anyhow!  The winner of  "The Early Bird Gets the Worm", and also "The Reason I'm Having a Popsicle for Breakfast Instead of a Veggie Omelet", goes to my very first contestant Purple Kangaroo for her grub-infested parsnips!  I've never had a parsnip, but I'm fairly sure no portion of it is supposed to be grub-like and moving.  PK, I hope you either find a completely organic, chemical-free pesticide for your garden, or a great cookbook and some teeny-tiny shishkabob skewers.

The award for "Most Likely To Be Turned Into a Japanese B-Movie" goes hands and feelers down to Jeni, whose tale of a face-off between a gigantic water bug and a BBW  with a curvaceous hourglass figure made me laugh, break out in goosebumps and run for the popcorn.  You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll kiss your dignity goodbye!  Jeni, I recommend to you that you never eat curds and whey, avoid all tuffets, and the next time you see a black widow spider?  tell her that the hourglass is looking a little pear-shaped.  Guaranteed, she'll crawl back into the dark corner she came from.

Last but not least, the "IOU" award goes to Rachel, who was busy and uninformed of our party, but promises "big steaming platters of teh weird" for next time.  I'll bring the hot plates, so don't let us down!

OK, a spider just tried to land on me.  ON MY LEFT SHOULDER.  I can take a hint, b*tch, I'll talk about something else next week!  Thanks for playing, and I'll see you then!

Edited to add:  The "Better Late Then Never" award goes to my good buddy -M for her genyoowhine NYC cockroach story.  The "Franz Kafka, Eat Your Heart Out" award goes to her hubby -G, who looked in the mirror and saw a cockroach...perched on his shoulder, that is.  -M, how high a note can -G hit when he screams??