Wheeze On Down The Road
Happy halfway-through-the-week! This post brought to you by: Extreme Patience- when you absolutely, positively have to get up in the middle of the night from a sound sleep to fetch your crying toddler some water and NOT lose your sh*t. Also: Aleve, the achy, cranky, crampy, can't find a comfortable position for my neck and not gonna sleep without it medicine.
It's a darned good thing I'm going for a run in a few hours because ::yawn:: I could really use that "runner's high" about now! I can't believe I am even typing this! I've always said that I'd never run unless it involved a mugger or an ice cream truck. (I about made the guy at the running shoes store wet his pants laughing when I told him I was going to get some Good Humor tunes for my iPOD.) But I really do like to run, to my surprise. Not so much while I'm running as I do afterwards when I devour some carbs and get to not have my jeans be so tight, but, whatever works, right? Plus, now I have an extra incentive to run harder and faster. No, not my upcoming marathon to benefit lung cancer research, although that's important and I'll get to that later. I'm talking about my new running pants.
Cool space-age wicking fabric? Check. UV protection? Check. Slimming tummy panel and a slenderizing jet black to boot? Yup. Tight enough that the casual observer can tell whether or not I've waxed my legs recently? Unfortunately, yes. They're the correct size, all right, but now my behind looks like someone has shrink-wrapped it with a Foodsaver. I've decided to keep them, because nothing is going to keep me moving along like the threat of someone actually seeing what I look like in them.
But wait, there's more. I've been reading the excellent advice of the esteemed Doctor Mama, who's well-known about the blogosphere for getting us newbie "maggots" off the couch and into the sneakers for a nice run. According to her, the best underwear? Is none at all. OK, I bow to her expertise, but according to my calculations, here's what I'm advertising: "Out-of-shape, slow-moving newbie with giant bosom and $200 mp3 player, lumbering down the road with no panties on. Coming soon to a neighborhood near you." Reminds me of that old Far Side comic strip, featuring a dog on the phone, and the caption says: "Hello... I'm a big, fat Siamese with a broken leg and no teeth and I'm sitting here on my front porch with no place to run or hide....in broad daylight....".
It gets even better. Remember, it's Weird Wednesday, and this week the Weird is me. I have to run the marathon itself without my prrecioussss iPOD, but there's no way I'm training without my tunes, so I take the risk of bringing it with me and stick it in my pocket. Except I found out at the last minute yesterday that my new pants don't have a pocket. I couldn't find my old armband-style holster, so on Dave's advice I stuck the player into the waistband of the pants instead. They contain enough Lycra that I could probably stick a stereo system in there, so no problem, right? Remember the part where I'm not supposed to wear underwear? I spent half the run trying to make sure it didn't turn into a suppository. I guess if I can't find that holster later this morning, I'm going to have to tough it out without my music. So if you're sipping your morning coffee in San Marcos and happen to look out the window and see a voluptuous woman with really big feet who is running VERY slowly while trying to hum the words to "SexyBack"? Bring me a cup, will you? I'm really short on sleep! Have a great week!
((Stay tuned for an upcoming "Mommy Monday" post, brought to you by some of my good blogging buddies and LUNGevity.org!!))
Oh, man, you are making me laugh.
Posted by: Suebob | January 16, 2008 at 07:16 PM
Hahaha! You are cracking me up. I might even be inspired to run if I get to wear Spandex AND go commando. Sounds... fragile...
BTW, I'll talk to Matt about posting your link on Monday- all 3 of our readers could see it, at least!
Posted by: Jeni | January 18, 2008 at 11:42 AM